Addiction is a very lonely struggle that many can hide. I looked anything but lonely on the outside: an extrovert with high social skills, friends all around me, and often the life of the party. Even my wife back then was sometimes envious of how easily I made friends. But deep down, I was this masterful actor always on stage, hiding the real me because it wasn't good enough. I created that façade, the imposter Paul, to shield me from rejection and humiliation that started in my childhood. The imposter Paul was my mask to hide my shame of being a highly sensitive person (HSP). I felt unwanted and alone.
"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." ~ Mother Teresa
My loneliness was a black hole, ever-present, no matter the company or circumstances. It fueled my addiction, a desperate escape from the pain. I turned to substances because I felt alone, but I felt alone because I couldn't stop using them. This cruel cycle, the revolving door of loneliness as I referred to it, pushed me over the edge. I had tried to commit suicide twice: in 2004 and then again in 2005, in Toronto. Both attempts were all about loneliness, my unresolved mistaken identity of not liking or knowing who I was. My last five years of using were some of the loneliest and most painful years of my life, and I am so glad they are far behind me.
In 2010, I started working with a wise psychologist called Nayyar, who had vast experience in childhood trauma with a background in Eastern spiritual practices, which is my passion, too. Over two years of one-on-one counseling, I began to heal and forgive. Thank God I was brave enough to get professional help, and today, I do the same for others. The loneliness started to lift with my further spiritual awakening. I began to find myself by removing all the layers of mistaken identity. Through understanding, compassion, and vulnerability, I chiseled away the toxic shame and awoke to our true nature—LOVE. And ten years ago, loneliness left me, and so did my desire to use. Free at last.
"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." ~ Brendan Behan
If you are new to recovery or struggling, know there are many recovery meetings available worldwide, and there is help. Never try to do it alone. Remember those who died in addiction and all alone, some of whom were personal friends of mine.
According to recent statistics, loneliness in the USA is at "epidemic" levels:
46% report sometimes or always feeling lonely
47% feel left out
47% lack meaningful in-person social interactions or extended conversations daily
43% sometimes or always feel their relationships aren't meaningful
43% report feeling isolated
The loneliest are young adults between the ages of 18 and 22
Sincerely,
Paul Noiles
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